Cell Hell

If you live or work in Western MoCo, then you’re probably already aware of the generally spotty and random cell phone coverage in the area. Those of us in Darnestown have long struggled with dropped calls and absent service. Now, the folks in Poolesville will also get a nice Christmas gift courtesy of Cingular, who’s decided to take their cell equipment from the town’s water tower and go home. The whole story can be read in this week’s Gazette.

The sad state of cellular affairs in Western MoCo is bad and getting worse, it would appear. The folks in Darnestown went through a rather protracted era of communal hand-wringing about the cell tower issue when some residents reacted strongly to the prospect of a monstrous steel cell tower blighting their semi-rural landscape, and possibly obstructing their otherwise rustic view from the living room window. The town elders and the civic association opted for a “flagpole” cell tower in the center of town, which looks like this one in Massapequa, NY.

A couple of national cell service providers have their equipment on the new cell tower-disguised-as-a-flagpole, but notably absent is Verizon, the cellular provider I use. I’ve long been frustrated at the horrendous service I get in Darnestown, and many neighbors agree with me. It’s not unusual to see cars pulled over at the entrance to my street, drivers on their cell phone, completing that last call before they enter no-man’s-land at the end of the street, where cell service disappears completely.

Want an exercise in pure, unmitigated frustration? Try contacting Verizon via email and asking them about service quality. My most recent exchange went something like:

Me: Hi! I was wondering if Verizon was planning on installing their equipment on Darnestown’s new cell tower-disguised-as-a-flagpole?

Verizon’s Automated Email Response Generator: Hello! Thanks for your inquiry! Did you know we never stop working for you? Our goal is to provide the best possible cell service! Thanks for contacting us! Did we answer your question?

Me: Well, er, no. I was wondering if you were planning to install your equipment on Darnestown’s new cell tower-disguised-as-a-flagpole?

Verizon’s Automated Email Response Generator: Hello! Thanks for your inquiry! Did you know we never stop working for you? Our goal is to provide the best possible cell service! Thanks for contacting us! Did we answer your question?

(repeat endlessly, cue sound of firsts smashing keyboard in blind rage)

You see, although Verizon (and now Cingular, it seems) are in the communications business, the art of communications - person-to-person, that is - is apparently a lost art for them. In fact, any attempt to reach them, in my experience, has been roughly as rewarding as closing my fingers in a car door.

I feel Western MoCo deserves better. I’d like to see the county be a bit more proactive in this area, but that’s probably hoping for too much. After all, they were willing to sell us down the river with the recent planned roll-out of Verizon’s new FiOS service. Many of us will now have to wait until roughly 2013 to see FiOS in our area, at which time global warming may render the whole thing moot.

In any event, I’m not holding my breath. And by the way, if it had been up to me, I’d have installed a nifty cell tower-disguised-as-a-tree rather than the flagpole. It’s not that I’m against flagpoles; I just like the perennial Christmas Tree sort of look that these babies have (I'd even paint those blocky cellular do-hickies and make 'em look like Christmas Tree ornaments!).

I'll bet if we had offered to name the cell tower-disguised-as-a-flagpole after outgoing County Executive Doug Duncan, the whole process of obtaining reliable cell service in Western MoCo would have gone a bit more smoothly. After all, isn't Developer Doug the businessman's best friend?